Wedlock
by wind5
Summary: When Tom and B'Elanna are about to get married, Janeway suddenly reveals her true feelings for Tom - in a not so subtle way! One word: violence :)


Janeway sat staring in disgust at Tom and B'Elanna.  If looks could kill, she'd be a mass murderer right about now.  _I'd be boring a hole right through that pompous Klingon's head,_ she thought in delight, and allowed a slight smile to pass over her lips.  Then the reality of the situation struck her again, full force.  Tom and B'Elanna were about to be joined in holy wedlock, damn it.  She angrily drummed her fingers on the holographic pew in front of her.  The Doctor had thought a church setting would be appropriate, and insinuated that if B'Elanna refused his suggestion, he would be deeply hurt.  Of course, Janeway suspected B'Elanna didn't really care, but likely Tom talked her into letting the Doctor get what he wanted.

_Everybody ELSE always gets what THEY want, _Janeway thought angrily.  She looked around the room.  Stained glass windows, long, elaborate wooden pews…the classic wedding image this whole scene bubbled over with made her madder and madder by the minute.  _I don't know how much more I can take of this,_ she thought.  Finally, she decided just to sit back and listen to what the Doctor was saying.

"…take this man to be your wedded and lawful husband…"  That line did it.

Suddenly Janeway sprang up from her pew and whipped out a large phaser.  "Just how do you want to answer that question, Torres?  Think carefully," she said, aiming the weapon directly for B'Elanna's head.  "Because I sure as hell aren't gonna take yes for an answer."  She pulled the trigger and blew a hole straight through the Klingon's skull.  B'Elanna dropped to the floor.

The Doctor screamed like a wounded cat.  "Doctor to sickbay, medical emergency!"  Tuvok walked up and patted him on the shoulder.  "Doctor, may I remind you that no one is _in_ sickbay!"

The Doctor slapped himself on the forehead.  "Damn!  B'Elanna, I'm sorry, there's nothing more I can do.  I just can't work outside of sickbay.  It doesn't get the creative juices flowing, if you know what I mean."

Tom ran up with one of the holographic flower vases raised high above his head.  "WELL MAYBE I CAN HELP GET SOME BLOOD FLOWING!" he screamed and tried to smash it down over the Doctor's head.  Of course it just _swished_ through the Doctor's holographic body.

Meanwhile everyone was running around screaming.  Janeway liked the sight of blood so she'd shot a few more people's heads up.  Just then Neelix ran up to her.

"Captain, listen to me!  You're hurting innocent people!  Now, I know that you may have had feelings for Mister Paris, but, um," he stuttered to a halt as the Captain pressed her phaser firmly against his forehead.

"You're going back to hell, Neelix," she said icily.

"B-back, Captain?" Neelix stuttered.

"Back.  I'll be damned if that's not where you get your recipes."

With that she blew a hole through Neelix's head.  He dropped - almost dead, but not quite (okay fine he was dead) - to the floor.

A wide grin spread across the Captain's face.  "If I would have known how fun this was I'd have killed off the crew years ago.  Now, where's that Tommy boy?"  She strode across the room.  Tom was tending to the wounded B'Elanna.

"Tom, there you are," she said, sitting down next to him.

"Captain, I'm a little busy right now - if I don't tend to B'Elanna now, she could die!"

Janeway pressed the phaser into the side of Tom's head.  "And if you don't _stop_ tending to her now, guess who else could?"

Suddenly Janeway fell over, dead.  Tuvok was standing behind her, a wicked grin on his face.

Tom sighed in relief.  "Thanks, Tuvok.  How'd you do that?"

"An old Vulcan trick," said Tuvok, still grinning broadly. "Stab-em-in-the-back-with-a-butcher-knife."  He grunted as he pulled a long and bloody knife from Janeway's back.  He chuckled cruelly as he licked off the blood.  "Illogically enough, blood's taste reminds me of that of the strawberry.  At least, the strawberries I have tasted."

Tom chuckled.  "Yeah, probably the ones Neelix prepares.  I'll tell you, Tuvok, if we don't watch him he's going to kill off half the ship one - oh, Seven, hi."

Seven had walked up behind Tom and was massaging his shoulders.  "Ready to go have some fun?" she asked.

Tuvok screamed in a high pitched voice.  "You were having an affair with Seven-of-Nine when you were about to get married?"

Tom gave a great belly laugh.  "Tuvok, Tuvok.  Not just Seven.  Naomi too!"

Tuvok screamed again.  "AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL?"

Tom gave another great belly laugh, then raised his eyebrows and winked.  "Not innocent anymore, if ya know what I mean.  And by the way, Tuvok, I've always wondered, is that a toupee?  Because you know it doesn't look that real."

Tuvok started crying.  "Everyone always - told - t - me, that, that it looked real."

Suddenly, Janeway rose from the floor.  "You thought I was dead," she said, chuckling evilly.  "You thought I was dead."

Everyone turned in fear and stared at the Captain.

"Well not even Tuvok and his bloody butcher knife can stop me from marrying Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris.  So how's it gonna be, Tom?  You can marry me now, or we can have the ceremony in hell!"

"I'd take the second one," said Tom, "you'd be the only one there!"

He jumped in a kick for Janeway's head, but _whooshed_ right through her.  "Wha…?" he asked in confusion.

Janeway gave another evil chuckle.  "Say, I'm pretty good at that," she said in amazement.  She gave another evil chuckle.  And another.  And ano-

The Doctor cleared his throat.  "Uh, Captain, you can continue now."

Janeway sneered.  "The truth is, I'm not really here.  I'm holographic.  Just like the Doctor over here.  You see, the whole 'dying' thing was an act.  In actuality, I'm standing somewhere else in the ship."  She sighed sarcastically.  "If you only knew where…"

Tuvok stepped forward and said, "Computer, locate Kathryn Janeway."

"Kathryn Janeway is rotting in hell.  At least she's gonna be when I'm done with her," the computer replied.  A loud zap echoed around the ship, followed by the Captain's long and painful-sounding scream.  About thirty-seconds of silence followed.

Well, okay, more like ten.

Aw who am I kidding?  The crew burst out in cheers and laughter the second the scream was heard.

The next day, at a pompous ceremony:

"Chakotay, you now Captain this ship," the computer said proudly.  But unfortunately, the strain from the day before was too much.  Chakotay fell forward with a grin still on his ugly face.

One by one the computer read off the name's in their proper order, and this would be duly described except the author doesn't really know what the order of importance is.  You see, as the computer read off the crew's names, one by one they fell dead (in the same manner that Chakotay fell dead, of course - with smiles pasted on their faces).  All that is, except the lowest in rank: Naomi!  (Well, Seven didn't really have a rank either but she dropped dead anyway.)

Naomi, unfortunately, was a little brat who didn't know much.  (At that time she changed her name to Namoi to try and sound more important.)  So, in a few minutes she ran into a star and the ship exploded into a flaming ball of wreckage.  Oh well.  A fitting end to a ship that _wanted_ to stay lost in space forever anyway. 


End file.
